By Morf Morford, Tacoma Daily Index

Satisfaction Guaranteed?

When the history of the current era is written, much of the focus will certainly be on how unhinged so many of us got over simple and obvious things.

One prominent example will have to be the many issues that have perturbed us so much that we (or at least some of us) pursued legal recourse for real or imagined injuries or damage.

Most of these situations are as embarrassing as they are absurd, but somehow they have become common and, for better or worse, set legal precedents for future interpretation and cases.

Mac & cheese

A woman in Florida has filed a proposed $5 million class action lawsuit against Kraft Heinz Foods Company alleging the food producer’s Velveeta Shells & Cheese takes longer than advertised to prepare.

Her lawsuit claims that the packaging on the microwavable single-serve cups of mac and cheese that says it will be “ready in 3½ minutes,” is “false and misleading”.

In addition, court documents are requesting more – besides the $5 million in damages, the plaintiff also seeks punitive damages from Kraft Heinz Foods Company and asks that the company “be ordered to cease its deceptive advertising” as well as “be made to engage in a corrective advertising campaign”.

Legalistic absurdities “R” us

On a similar note, with perhaps the same set of primed-for-offense social or philosophical “muscles” at work, we have seen, as happens all too often in history, religious “principles” taking on cruel and distorted shapes – forms and expressions that done by mere humans (without divine attribution) would be clearly seen as arbitrary, cruel and petty.

The situations may be different, but the principle is the same; someone takes it upon themselves to intervene and enforce their own “faith” on others – often as an uninvolved (and uninvited) third party.

It might be a worker at a pharmacy refusing to fill a prescribed medicine for a patient because they, the worker, does not “believe in” what is being prescribed. It could be a vaccine or a special medication, but it doesn’t really matter – the entire dynamic is, or at least should be, between doctor and patient. How a third party (whether pharmacist or politician) has any legitimate presence or influence will baffle future legal scholars for decades.

The setting may differ, but the assumption is the same; someone, again, with a certain patina of (self) righteousness, decides that they should have the right to dictate how other people live, define or establish identity or relationships. It might be a baker or an accountant or any other vendor or service provider, taking it upon themselves to decide what others should do.

I’d like to imagine that the same criteria applies when lawyers or accountants come upon questionable activities by business or political leaders.

One could imagine the fuss (and media spectacle) if non-religious or other-than-Christian workers, postal workers for example, refused to deliver Christmas cards because it “violated their beliefs”.

It’s the same legal and philosophical principle, just a differing perspective.

As you might guess, some states (and law firms) have different perspectives on what constitutes and defines a frivolous lawsuit.

For a lawsuit to be considered frivolous, it must have no legal or factual support – in short, no coherent and convincing legal argument. If it is clear that the incident did not occur, or if it’s clear that the litigant did not suffer damages, the lawsuit might be considered frivolous.

I never went to law school, but it’s difficult for me to imagine the “damages” caused by mac & cheese taking longer than 3 1/2 minutes.

Coffee, tea or K-cup?

In the coffee realm, you could find yourself as part of class action lawsuit against Keurig and their K-cups. You could find yourself eligible for $3.50 per 100 pods purchased, with a maximum total payment of $36 per household.

What’s the issue?

A group of consumers (the plaintiffs) accuse Keurig of engaging in “unlawful, unfair, and deceptive business practices” when they advertised and labeled their K-Cups as being recyclable.

You can see a list of some of other memorable (if convoluted) lawsuits here.