Humor: Surviving Martha Stewart, turkey-induced comas and other holiday hazards

The great turkey feast known as Thanksgiving is almost upon us. In the interest of public service, the Index presents some helpful tips on surviving this often stressful holiday.

First of all, nobody should attempt to emulate professional homemaker and domestic project wizard Martha Stewart when it comes to Thanksgiving, because it’s a little known fact that Martha doesn’t really do all those things you see on “Martha Stewart Living.” Instead, she relies upon special effects. What about the perfect Thanksgiving turkey and other holiday arts and crafts you see on her show? That’s right, all that stuff is computer-generated imagery, which is why your stuff never turns out as good as Martha’s.

If you find yourself in the unenviable position of Thanksgiving cook, what you’ll want to do is buy and prepare a whole lot of microwaveable turkey dinners. There are two reasons for this: 1) This will reduce the pressure you’re under by cutting way down on your meal preparation time, and 2) should you survive the wrath of your dinner guests, you’ll never be asked to cook again.

It pays to be prepared. In order to survive a potentially excruciating Thanksgiving dinner where you might have to endure such indignities as being stuck at the kiddie table or having to pretend you remember obscure relatives, bring along a Thanksgiving Day Emergency Kit. Your kit should include a small radio or TV to listen to or watch the day’s NFL action; a pager set to go off so you can fake an emergency in order to leave; a map with a clearly-marked escape route from an unfamiliar relative’s neighborhood; and, if you just can’t take it any more, a cyanide capsule.

If at the dinner table you find yourself getting sleepy (due to the tryptophan – nature’s NyQuil – in the turkey), try and get to a couch or recliner as quickly as possible, because it really is quite undignified to use the mashed potatoes as a pillow.

After the Thanksgiving meal, there’s a good chance the area will resemble a Civil War battlefield after a bloody engagement, in that there will be bodies strewn all about; the air permeated by the moans and groans of the gorged. Do not poke these satiated individuals, or try to move them, as they might explode. If you are the host and you want these people out of your home, wait a few days for them to recover and then politely ask them to leave. (That’s what Martha Stewart recommends.)

Being the host means you’ll probably be stuck with an impossibly huge pile of post-Thanksgiving dinner dirty dishes. See if you qualify for a federal disaster grant.

But seriously, with all that’s going on in the world today, have a happy Thanksgiving.