Early morning shopping when the store doors first open on that day after Thanksgiving – traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year – is a lot like being caught in the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, except that instead of worrying about being trampled by a herd of large bovines, you have to worry about being trampled by a herd of crazed shoppers looking for sale items.
Though that day has passed, there is still plenty of anxiety-inducing shopping to be done before Christmas. So, with a tip of the hat to David Letterman and his top ten lists, the Index presents:
Top Ten Holiday Shopping Tips
10. When purchasing a Christmas tree, keep in mind you don’t live in a mansion, so refrain from buying a tree the size of an intercontinental ballistic missile.
9. Remember, this year you’re not a materialistic, over-spending consumer; you’re a patriot who is helping the economy.
8. Try using the Jedi mind trick on department store seasonal employees to get better deals for yourself.
7. Have you considered the gift that keeps on giving? Cash.
6. To ensure your wife or girlfriend sticks to her “I love it” performance after opening your gift, don’t save the receipt.
5. Don’t have any money to spend on Christmas gifts? Max out your credit cards. Fake your own death. Flee the country.
4. Christmas shopping can be a violent, hard-hitting contact activity, so be sure to stretch and tape up before you enter the stores.
3. For the anti-Martha Stewart friend or family member: a blooper tape featuring a hilarious mishap involving Martha, a baggy sweater and a running, uncovered blender.
2. Can’t take standing in long lines to pay for stuff any more? Try shoplifting.
1. Just as you wouldn’t get between a mother bear and her cubs, avoid coming between kid-hounded moms and Harry Potter merchandise.