My Two Cents: Helpful hints for a happy Halloween

It’s almost the end of October, and that means one thing: If you forgot to set your clocks back over the weekend due to Daylight Saving Time ending, you arrived at work an hour early, and that’s no way to start a Monday morning.

Okay, not really. What it actually means is that in a few days it will be Halloween – you can tell by all the Christmas decorations that are up at various department stores.

Halloween is, of course, that magical time of year when normally sane parents – whose primary concern is usually the safety of their children – send their kids out at night in sight-restricting costumes to beg for candy from strangers.

The fun continues that night or the next morning, when parents – like detectives carefully examining evidence – sift through the booty in an attempt to decide what candy is safe to eat and what candy will kill you if you eat it.
So, in the interest of promoting a happy, or at least, tolerable Halloween, the Index presents some helpful hints to all involved:

– Try not to be the neighborhood dork (read: dentist) who hands out healthy fruits and vegetables as an alternative to delicious Halloween candy. Not only will the neighborhood kids hate you, but they will more than likely use the fruits and vegetables you gave them as weapons in “decorating” your home later in the evening.

– If you don a sheet in order to go trick-or-treating as a ghost, for cryin’ out loud, don’t forget to cut yourself some eyeholes!

– Parents: Stock up on tranquilizers in order to better deal with hyperactive kids hopped up on Halloween candy.

– Kids: Don’t forget to pay tribute to your parents for food and shelter by donating a portion of your candy haul to mom and dad.

– Teenagers/punks: It’s probably not a good idea to pull the old grab-the-candy-and-run trick, because these days you just don’t know who’s packin’ heat.

– Good costume ideas: A firefighter, a police officer and Martha Stewart in prison garb.

– Bad costume ideas: Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, abstract concepts like peace and happiness.

– For a good laugh, set a bowl of candy outside your home with a note indicating the honor system is in effect and watch what happens.

Have a safe and happy Halloween, folks.

“My Two Cents” is a weekly column where the author – who hasn’t set his watch and the clock in his car back one hour yet – gets in his two cents worth in spite of the old saying that you only get a penny for your thoughts.