I dont live in California – obviously – but I have been very entertained by the recent electoral circus that is politics in the Golden State. Here is my non-expert analysis of some of the over 100 – thats not a misprint – candidates running in Californias Oct. 7 recall election of Gov. Gray Davis, who, by the way, is making the rest of us who share the same last name look bad.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) – Pros: Big-time name recognition. Super cool campaign slogan in Ill be back. A lock to win the gubernatorial posedown competition. Cons: Schwarzenegger hard to fit on a campaign button. Wife Maria Shriver – a Kennedy relative – looks like Skeletor. Has a slight Austrian accent.
Arianna Huffington (I) – Pros: An independent political commentator, she must know what shes doing. Cons: May have turned ex-husband, former California Congressman Michael Huffington, gay. Irrational hatred of SUVs. Is rich, but doesnt pay taxes. Has a slight Greek accent.
Larry Flynt (I) – Pros: Impossible to dig up embarrassing dirt on a porn publisher. Cons: Looks and sounds an awful lot like Jabba the Hutt.
Peter Ueberroth (I) – Pros: The former baseball commissioner has experience dealing with rich guys with big egos. Cons: Is a moderate Republican (though running as an independent) like Schwarzenegger. Ah-nold will completely overshadow him.
Gary Coleman (I) – Pros: Least criminally-prone former cast member of 80s television series Diffrent Strokes. Super cool campaign slogan: Whatchu talkin bout, Gov. Gray Davis? Cons: The diminutive Coleman will need a step stool to see over podium when giving speeches.
Gallagher (I) – Pros: Isnt it about time a professional comedian ran for governor? Cons: His smashing-watermelons-with-a-sledgehammer platform not likely to resonate with voters.
Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante (D) – Pros: This guys name just sounds like a party! Cons: Et tu, Bustamante? Didnt tell Gov. Gray Davis hed be running in the recall election!
State Rep. Tom McClintock (R) – Pros: Is an actual politician with actual government experience. Cons: Is an actual politician with actual government experience.
My Two Cents is a weekly column where the author – who thinks a debate between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arianna Huffington and Larry Flynt would be indecipherable – gets in his two cents worth in spite of the old saying that you only get a penny for your thoughts.