My Two Cents: 'Tooth phone' really means calling a head

Scientists are at it again, working hard to improve our lives in really weird ways. It’s been recently reported that British engineers have invented a revolutionary tooth implant that works like a mobile phone. Really.

As explained by these engineers from England – a country well-known for the immaculate dental hygiene of its citizens – the “tooth phone” consists of a tiny vibrator and a radio wave receiver implanted into a tooth during routine (yeah, right) dental surgery. Sound would come into the tooth as a digital-radio signal and be transferred to the inner ear by bone resonance, meaning information can be received anywhere and at any time – and nobody else can listen in. Inventors say it’s only a matter of time before a microchip can be installed in the implant, thus producing a fully functional phone that makes even today’s smallest cell phone seem gigantic and unwieldy by comparison.

What potential effects – good and bad – will this new form of communication have? It boggles the mind.

The good:

– Your new phone will be virtually impossible to lose.

– The undeniable James Bond-like cool factor.

– Hearing voices in your head will no longer automatically mean you are insane.

– In certain instances, people will actually look forward to going to the dentist. (“I’m so excited. I’m going to the dentist today to get my new phone installed!”)

The bad:

– You will no longer be able to claim you weren’t home as a reason for not answering the phone.

– Showing off your new phone to impress the babes will be rather awkward.

– Since it’s only a matter of time before scientists develop two-way tooth phone communication, it will become increasingly difficult to distinguish between crazy people talking to themselves and those taking part in actual phone conversations.

– While installing your new phone, the dentist could discover some cavities, resulting in hours of painful oral surgery.

Aside from making strides in the area of dental-based communications, leaders in the world of science and technology are working on several other life-changing projects, including: genetically engineered oranges the size of basketballs, a pill that keeps Americans awake during World Cup soccer matches and a device that translates rapper slang into English.

“My Two Cents” is a column that will appear in the Index every Monday, so the editor may get his two cents worth in… even though you only get a penny for your thoughts.